Archive for June 21st, 2009

The question of how much children need fathers has been bandied about quite a bit during the years of my lifetime. Much of this has been promulgated by feminists who want to suggest that they can do everything themselves, thank you, and don’t “need” a man. Resentment against overbearing fathers turned into the 60′s and the claim that “a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle” seemed to trickle down to “a child just needs a caring family of some configuration, not specifically a dad.”

There was a time when I would have asked what we needed fathers for as well. All around me were households headed by women, including at one point when I was the head of my own all-girl family (me, a four year old, and a two year old).  I was preparing for a career in teaching, and trying to be brave. We didn’t need a man around here.  But then my husband showed up, filled the vacant position of dad of the family and changed everything.

Now I’ve always been worried about whether you can trust men. My father gave up on raising me when I was 16, though he’d tell you I was too rebellious to handle, and fair enough, and my first husband had moved out, so I was a little bit cynical about fatherhood when I met Dean. I used to see young couples holding hands and get irritated.

But the natural order has a way of falling into place, and in truth Dean showed up, volunteered for the job, and took over the position of dad with total willingness, something which you don’t see very much in a modern guy — he helped with the two girls, carrying them on his shoulders and teaching them prayers — and soon we were expecting our own child.

When our son was born, all was not well, and he went straight to intensive care, a horrible shock for me who had major medical phobias — my son was on a ventilator! Three days later, Dean and I went to church by ourselves, and as I stood in the pew crying, he told “stop that crying, or everyone will think our baby died.”

It was a shot of reality on several levels. Perhaps I did feel sorry for myself, did think I should have too perfect a life. And how could I complain, really? Our son would get better. I needed a father to remind me of that.

Pain is that crucible in which awareness often begins, and as time went on I was to reflect more than once that it was a good thing our household was headed by a father. I need only observe my now-teenaged son back down from some of his more florid displays of strength and energy when his father comes in the room. I can’t call him to task anymore, but still he respects his father’s wishes.

Yesterday my daughter had her first communion my husband and I were there together in church again, and I do think I caught a jealous eye from a pew where only women were sitting  – as if they wanted to ask me, how did you keep the father in the picture?

I don’t know the answer. Certainly it has not been smooth sailing the whole voyage. But I do think that refusing to give up and quit was the primary reason we are able to continue. Certainly Dean stayed at times when I think some would have taken off. Perhaps he stayed because his own father disappeared before he was born, and so you can’t lie to him, he knows that fathers matter.

While teaching recently, a 2nd grade boy told me sorrowfully, “I don’t have a dad.”

“You do have a dad, everyone has a dad,” I said. “you may not know where he is, but he’s out there.”

“Well I don’t know where he is.”

“Then when you grow up, do it differently.”

I imagined the angry mother of this boy at home, telling him “you don’t have a father,” and hating the man who left. But I also know that the little boy needs to know that yes, he has a dad. Somewhere. The closer the better, really. On father’s day, our goal could be to take one step closer to the man who is our dad, with a visit, a phone call, a gift, or if there’s no other way, a prayer. Don’t believe the lies: fathers do matter.

And one last thought, for those dads who disappeared: I know part of why they did it. In many cases, it’s not because they were cruel and heartless and didn’t care about their children. It’s because they were not strong enough at the moment of crisis to continue on a difficult path. It is hard to be a father. The responsibilities can seem huge and the return intangible and distant. So what can the rest of us do to help with the situation? Support and strengthen and encourage fathers at all times. Today, Father’s Day, would be a good time to start.