Archive for June 30th, 2009

The other day, a friend on Twitter, @theDailyBlond, wrote a response to a document she had scoured up from 1955 — “The Good Wife Guide.” It was one of those “ways to please your husband” things you used to find in books and magazines back then — and which still come up now and again. What I want to know is, why hasn’t anyone come up with a “Good Husband Guide?” I think that’s something I can do, actually. So I got down to work:

The Good Husband Guide — circa 2009

Who is the Good Husband?

He’s a a guy you can really trust. Women value security, so the good husband is the guy who’s going to “be there.” This is the sine qua non of husbandness, of course. If he is not  going to be there for her, he can at best be a boyfriend, and not a very good one at that.

The good husband is a guy you can build a family with. He must be worthy of reproducton. Any flaws he may have are hopefully correctible in the children, if they recur, with proper training and instruction. This is why basic physical attractiveness is so critical to the young bride. Even if she can put up with flawed countenance in her mate, can she stand it when it recurs in the children? You can train your children to have better manners than their father, but, as they say, ugly is forever.

The good husband knows that we chose him for the way he was when we met him, and that he must try to maintain all those great attributes he had at the start. Any characteristics, such as education, athletics, musical skill, or professional knowledge that husbands came into the marriage with should be honed and maintained over the years, not dropped like a hot potato once the bride is carried over the threshhold.

Also, that Jr. High humor that you kept in the closet before we were married — try to keep it to yourself and your friends as much as you can. We’re still shocked that you fooled us into believing you had completely grown out of that stuff.

Speaking of your friends — the good husband prefers the company of his family to his buddies. He probably still has lots of friends, and spends time with them. But his wife knows that if she really needs him, he’ll be there for her.

Habits of the Good Husband

To  be a good husband, you’ll want to develop some tendencies that may be weakly formed in the male race. One of these is putting your things away. Your stuff, and even other people’s stuff.

The good husband does some chores around the house, even the token taking out of the garbage.  He does not say things like “why should I clean up? It doesn’t matter to me if the house is a mess.” This is an invitation to his wife to make it matter to him.

The good husband has a job and works at it. He may feed a deep attachment to getting on American Idol or his acting career, but nevertheless he keeps at least one foot in employment well paid enough to significantly contribute to the household. Not being employed is a characteristic of the houseboy, and is not appropriate for a good husband.

The good husband pays attention to money. He both saves and splurges, and knows how to balance the two.

Romance with the Good Husband

The good husband is a real romantic! He always makes sure that his wife knows she’s not missing anything by being married to him. He wears stylish clothes and pays attention to grooming; he speaks well and kindly; he is considerate about attending activities his wife wants to go, whether they be seeing a chick flick or attending a benefit dinner with her friends. He is not a doormat of course. He also expects her to attend to things important to him as well.

He tells his wife a reasonable amount of information about his needs for physical intimacy. This may be difficult, we know, but it is not fair to sit around sulking because things do not happen when a reasonable effort to communicate has not been made. Try it, the results may well exceed your expectations.

Nevertheless, the good husband refrains from creating scripts or expectations.

The good husband does not just talk about how much he loves his wife. He puts his feelings into action. He tries to observe his wife and see what she might enjoy. He doesn’t have to do this all the time, a little bit goes a long way. He brings gifts, he makes compliments, but sincerely. He finds something nice to say and something nice to do. He keeps the negatives to himself. He shares the positive with his wife and the world.

A better way to explain all this might be just to listen to the song, “Find 100 Ways” by Quincy Jones. So, to wrap up:

Here’s another one with James Ingram, it has better sound quality but omits the critical first line: