College Girl

Merry Christmas, y’all!

Do you know that girl from “Orange County?” Turns out she is a singer. This was featured at the end of a recent House episode. I really like the cover of the album. It’s happy.

Make this on a day that is not rainy. If it is too wet out, it will not set right and will crumble.

4 cups sugar

12.5 oz evaporated milk

1 cup butter

7 oz. marshmallows

12 oz. semi-sweet chocolate chips (one regular-sized bag)

1 tsp. vanilla

In a large pot, melt the butter with the evaporated milk. Add the sugar. Bring to a medium/medium high heat. While stirring constantly, boil the mixture. Get a bowl of ice water, and after the mixture has begun to thicken (about 10 minutes, maybe), drizzle some into the water to test it. When it is ready, the fudge will form a ball in the water that can be squeezed softly with your fingers. The boiling fudge in the pot will have a “quilted” texture:

This is close to "quilted"

Once the fudge has reached this stage, take it off the heat and add the marshmallows and chocolate chip. Mix quickly and thoroughly; keep mixing for a few minutes after it looks melted and homogenized.

Pour into a large  (13×11 or so, it doesn’t really matter) pan or several small pans/dishes, preferably lined with aluminum foil. Let it sit out until it cools and is firm. You can easily package it in wax paper for distribution to friends and family!

This may take a few batches of trial-and-error before you get the texture right. You have to take it off the heat at the right time or it may be mushy or grainy. Either way, it will taste really good though!

For the proper recipe and directions, go here. For entertainment, continue reading.

My 15-year old brother had been pestering me to make fudge with him. We had done this once over the summer, when a flight of boredom and sugar craving had led to the following work of art:

This was our result in July.

This week, we were not so lucky.

So we start putting things in a pot. We begin to melt butter, add evaporated milk. Whisk it around for a bit. We decide to add the sugar, then the marshmallows. It becomes very fluffy…not the thick but fluid mixture that we are supposed to boil until it gets a “quilted texture.”

We have made a mistake.

We aren’t quite sure what, but we pull it off the heat and go consult an expert (The Editor, whose recipe book provided the directions we were working with). “You are supposed to boil it until ready, then take it off the heat and add the marshmallows and chocolate.”

Oh.

So we go back downstairs and look at the mess. We realize that any more heating is going to turn it into a solid block of mess. We quickly brainstorm if there is a way to rescue it into some other dish. Aha! Rice Krispie Treats have butter and marshmallows, right? We’re pretty close, we’ll just make that! We only had cornflakes, though, so we decided to make stuff for wreaths.

It didn’t….quite work.

First step: add food coloring to the marshmallow/butter/sugar/milk goop

Add cornflakes. Oh boy...that does not look tasty at all. Better add more food coloring. I am not even going to say what that looks like...

Ta-da! We made...alien candy. It tasted like candied corn flakes. Kinda like if you mixed mushy fudge and cereal. It was edible, but left something (significant) to be desired.

I wrote quite a while ago, in a post that is still read almost daily, about “why girls put guys in the friend’s zone.” I narrowed it down to four options: she doesn’t know you are interested, she just isn’t interested in a relationship at the moment, she just likes having guy friends, and she is taking advantage of you. While I feel that this post had some truth to it, part of me feels it is a little simplistic and does not capture the complexities of more mature persons and more mature relationships.

Perhaps, then, there is not a black-and-white friend’s zone, like a “stopping lane only” on a street. Because, quite honestly, there isn’t just two options: friends or not friends. There isn’t even a spectrum, where you can be closer to one or the other. Indeed, different people of different ages and experiences would classify the expectations of “a relationship” in different ways.  The truth is that there are many, many facets of a friendship or a romantic relationship, and for each of these there are different levels of connection, intensity, and intimacy. People can have a strong emotional attachment – they have few secrets, they rely and depend on each other. They can have a strong sense of interpersonal identity – they recognize the singularity of their relationship with each other. Two people can have a physical attachment, which can be involved but frivolous or subtle but deep. The flirtatious banter between two people is not necessarily superior to the quiet understanding between two others. And finally, the ultimate expectations of two people can vary from relationship to relationship and – here is where the heartbreak occurs – from individual to individual.

So what does this mean about “the friend’s zone,” or lack thereof? It means that you cannot measure the importance of your relationship with somebody else by whether or not you are tagged as dating on Facebook. It means that even if there is no understanding now, that does not mean there is no future. It means that people can be confused and unsure. Perhaps they feel very comfortable around you – they can talk at will, they can share many of their deep feelings – but still feeling something is missing before moving forward. There are many gauges of the relationship between two people. There is not just one path, with friends at one end and more-than-friends at the other. There are dozens of paths, each with their own significance. And sometimes, perhaps, we need to accept that we may have something good and important with somebody without being at the end of all those paths. There are so many benefits to knowing and spending time with another person. They widen our eyes, they make us think. Sometimes they make us laugh or help us out. They may share our hobbies or habits, they may widen our social circle, they may make us better people. We have to accept that we will not end up with everyone we meet. We may only end up with one. But that doesn’t mean to close doors to those deemed “unacceptable” quickly, nor does it mean that knowing someone, who may not be “the one,” has no value. You may find your “one” where you weren’t looking, and when you do, you may be prepared because of the depth of engagement you grew through interactions with others before them.

In light of my long-term absence, I am here to give you an update. That’s right: College Girl is going to be a doctor (statistically speaking). After interviewing at half a dozen schools, I received acceptance at my top choice.

Now it just has to sink in….

You would think that I would be reeling on a month-long high (I got the news on November 15). I did sprint through campus, nearly flying into my academic advisor as I dropped the phone I had just called four people on. I scared the living daylights out of my poor dad who, getting a call at 5am from a daughter too busy jumping and yelling to say, explain what was going on, thought some crisis had just occurred. And I am excited. A lot of days I wake up, and just as the laundry list of worries and fears starts to rev its engine. I suddenly realize, again “…I’m going to medical school. Heh. Cool.” It’s hard to get your mind around something you have been single-mindedly working toward for the past several years; the object and goal for which almost any other priority hit the chopping block. It comes with a rush of happiness, vindication, and pride. It’s awful, but honestly, when I opened that email, and saw those words…this is pretty much what it felt like.

I'm on my way.

Our crèche seems to be some sort of hybrid…

• Christmas cookies: I like the thick ones that rise. Usually they do not make any stops, besides quick intervention with a frosting knife, between cooling rack and demise.
• Decorating the tree: The tinsel is a mess this year, all scrappy and stuff. Also, only two of our light strings worked…and they are both short and are of different sizes. Oh well.
• Christmas lights: This year, at the third-grader’s request, and our recognition of just how high two-story eaves are, our front yard decorations included, and were limited to, two very large and fancy reindeer with moving heads, and several strings of large-bulb lights in a small fir-like tree in the yard. It’s pretty nice, actually.
• Baking: especially when I don’t have to do it. Gingerbread men, 7 layer bars, rum balls, pies…I won’t even go on. I don’t want to exacerbate current hunger.
• Fighting over the stockings: See, my mother made five stockings several years ago. Each has a different pattern: teddy bears, horse heads, Noah’s ark, etc. Preferences are strong and competition is steep (especially since there are now six kids and someone has to get some other reject that was neither homemade nor a near heirloom).
• Dogs eating christmas ornaments: On second thought, cleaning up a mess of reddish waxy remnants mixed with pine needles is not my favorite.
• Midnight mass
• Arguing about who will open the next gift
• Cleaning up, laying about satisfied. Watching relatives leave. Eating leftover pie.

In light of recent efforts to study for finals, time spent on social media and subsequent news reading has been on the rise. Here is what I found most worth sharing.

The Obama administration will allegedly propose new regulations including wage protection for home health workers. I don’t know the financial ramifications, but I do know that home health workers are paid very little for what can be a demanding but critically important job that offers many types of treatments otherwise not available outside some kind of medical establishment. I am no expert, but on the face of it this seems like it would be a very important and beneficial effort.

White Coat talks about the practical issues of treating transgender patients. Apparently, this can be an emotional issue for those who have yet to finish the process and are in significant mental turmoil and emotional stress.

I’m not the only one! ACA brings health coverage to 2.5 million young adults. I know that this made a significant financial impact in my life, as I received better health coverage than offered at my school for a much lower cost (this year no cost, actually, since my parent’s plan has one cost for covering all children). I wonder if this will change rates for insuring children? They are a pretty healthy group. Either way, I think this is an example of a strong benefit from the Affordable Care Act that came at little cost to anyone — well, cry me a river, insurance companies.

Seriously BIG money: Lipitor goes generic and manufacturers of a new generation of the Pill come under controversy for misleading advertisements. Big money = big chances for anything from slippery business practices to outright dihonesty. It’s a scary world out there…

I don’t only read about health care. Thanks to someone who popped up in my news feed, here is coverage of “The seige of Wukan:” residents of a small village in China fight back after continued attempts to sell their land to developers.

Top Google searches of 2011 went up. (but it ain’t over ’til it’s over, right?) We sure love our celebrities is all I can say (not that I am criticizing). Also noted is that one quarter of Google searches are unique in Google history.

This is fun: Compare US Google searches to United Kingdom list. They are pretty similar. My favorites: ‘how to snog’ and ‘what is probate.’ Talk about diversity!

I can be surrounded by a sea of people and still feel all alone… Then I think of you.

(Austin, A Cinderella Story)

Cheesy lines from teen comedies aside, there is something to this loneliness business. The simplest definition – the state of being alone, in isolation from others – does not seem to measure up the scope of magnitude of the feeling. Furthermore, the state appears ubiquitous – every human has experienced the feeling (or so it appears to me, after much observation). It can take many forms: simply being by oneself, as in an empty house; feeling rejection, perhaps even in a crowded room; the state of not being understood, and being unable to make what one feels are worthwhile connections with others. Physical, social, and emotional isolation are all evoked in one word. Furthermore, the situation can be found in the reverse in a number of ways – what is the opposite of being alone? Telling a well-received joke to a whole room? Being held by someone you love? Getting a letter in the mail?

I suppose the common factor is feeling a sense of disconnection from those around you, in which case being “out of the loop” could be as bad as physical isolation. However, even a perception of having someone with you, or imagining such a thing, can be as effective as someone’s actual presence. The last time I flew on an airplane, I texted a friend before take-off. He sent me wishes for a safe and peaceful flight (anyone who knows me knows that the latter is a tall order). So, when I was up in the air, I imagined that he was sitting next to me. This was, perhaps, not as good as if he actually had been, but it made a difference. Similarly, the other night I was feeling down, but had to take a shower and go to bed. A friend I was talking to online said that he would be there (that is, at his computer) for a while. Just knowing that he was there, and I could theoretically talk to him, was a peaceful feeling. This feeling is the opposite of when, say, you are trying desperately to get a hold of somebody and their phone doesn’t even ring, but goes straight to voicemail. The perception is that they are unequivocally unavailable – even though they may listen to your message at any minute. Likewise, while my friend may actually have logged off for the duration, and only returned when I came to check my computer, it wouldn’t have mattered.

I suppose this turns into the perception v. reality issue, and the “things are not as bad as they seem” argument, which leads to the fact that we are capable of forgetting our connections to others (among other things: see previous post for discussion).

I will leave with two final anecdotes. To say I was lonely in my first semester of college would be the understatement of the year. I was around people all the time, but having failed to connect to any of them yet, it didn’t matter much. That first year was a struggle in more ways than just social isolation. My mother used to tell me that I needed to be strong and get through for my future patients. In this case, the feeling of isolation was lessened by consideration of future connections. I needed to remind myself that I did have links to other people – friends and family in other places, at the minimum. I had this long brown sweater (which I still wear on occasion). It had a loose thread that irritated me as it was always catching on things in my pocket. I cut the thread off, and tied it around my wrist to remind myself that while I might feel out of balance and all alone, I was connected to others – just like the string was a piece of the sweater, I was a piece of something larger. It it silly, but it gave me comfort, in a time when I was lurking around at the bottom of the emotional totem pole.

And there finishes another rambling post.