I wrote quite a while ago, in a post that is still read almost daily, about “why girls put guys in the friend’s zone.” I narrowed it down to four options: she doesn’t know you are interested, she just isn’t interested in a relationship at the moment, she just likes having guy friends, and she is taking advantage of you. While I feel that this post had some truth to it, part of me feels it is a little simplistic and does not capture the complexities of more mature persons and more mature relationships.

Perhaps, then, there is not a black-and-white friend’s zone, like a “stopping lane only” on a street. Because, quite honestly, there isn’t just two options: friends or not friends. There isn’t even a spectrum, where you can be closer to one or the other. Indeed, different people of different ages and experiences would classify the expectations of “a relationship” in different ways.  The truth is that there are many, many facets of a friendship or a romantic relationship, and for each of these there are different levels of connection, intensity, and intimacy. People can have a strong emotional attachment – they have few secrets, they rely and depend on each other. They can have a strong sense of interpersonal identity – they recognize the singularity of their relationship with each other. Two people can have a physical attachment, which can be involved but frivolous or subtle but deep. The flirtatious banter between two people is not necessarily superior to the quiet understanding between two others. And finally, the ultimate expectations of two people can vary from relationship to relationship and – here is where the heartbreak occurs – from individual to individual.

So what does this mean about “the friend’s zone,” or lack thereof? It means that you cannot measure the importance of your relationship with somebody else by whether or not you are tagged as dating on Facebook. It means that even if there is no understanding now, that does not mean there is no future. It means that people can be confused and unsure. Perhaps they feel very comfortable around you – they can talk at will, they can share many of their deep feelings – but still feeling something is missing before moving forward. There are many gauges of the relationship between two people. There is not just one path, with friends at one end and more-than-friends at the other. There are dozens of paths, each with their own significance. And sometimes, perhaps, we need to accept that we may have something good and important with somebody without being at the end of all those paths. There are so many benefits to knowing and spending time with another person. They widen our eyes, they make us think. Sometimes they make us laugh or help us out. They may share our hobbies or habits, they may widen our social circle, they may make us better people. We have to accept that we will not end up with everyone we meet. We may only end up with one. But that doesn’t mean to close doors to those deemed “unacceptable” quickly, nor does it mean that knowing someone, who may not be “the one,” has no value. You may find your “one” where you weren’t looking, and when you do, you may be prepared because of the depth of engagement you grew through interactions with others before them.