Thanks to CarbonNYC at Flikr Creative Commons

So, last night I was sitting in Panera looking at a guy walking by. “Hmm…pretty tall, looks good-natured…then again he has kinda skinny arms.” Then I cut myself off, in my head of course. “Who cares if he has skinny arms?”

The question isn’t really “is he muscular enough” or even “is she curvy enough” – it’s: “is this person capable of commitment and attachment, to me, specifically?” Let’s admit, people, that’s the question we’d really like answered when looking for a partner. Unfortunately, they don’t wear shirts that express that, nor is there some visible attribute that would lead to an answer. We are stuck, at first at least, with just looks, and we all know how little that tells. Maybe sometime back in the day having a guy built like Chuck Norris was a good thing, but these days it seems to pale in importance to other attributes, like ability to hold down a job.

It’s a problem with the way we are wired for this whole courtship thing similar to the issue of likes. For example, there is a tendency on the part of females, in general, to be attracted to guys who are very aloof, detached, and have a debonair air to them. We can’t help it. Similarly, to many females a guy engaging in some dangerous activity – like riding a motorcycle – is attractive. We feel a pull. Even though riding a motorcycle won’t do us good in the long run (after all, in the end a father to our children is a goal, and one who puts himself in danger of getting his life insurance cashed out isn’t a great option.)

I suppose I could look deeply and see how these apparently couterproductive attractions are good. But…it all seems to chalk up to the same thing: meeting a lot of people. Finding out which ones are taken or gay. Then finding ones who like you (somewhat important). Making sure they don’t have any serious defects. Then, crossing your fingers you like them and it can stay that way, and finally keep them around. Sounds incredibly daunting. Thankfully, you can remember, oh single person, all the poor souls who accompany you in your misery of looking at this sheer wall of impossibility, feeling like William Thacker in Notting Hill when, addressing his (married) friends, he sums it up: “I think you have forgotten what an unusual situation you have here – to find someone you actually love. Who’ll love you! The chances are always…minuscule!”

Then again, he finally finds her. And we too shall prevail. Statistically, in the end, it’ll work. It’ll just take about fifteen times longer than we’d like. So, despair not, my fellows.