For more on this topic, see the recent update, “More on ‘The Friend’s Zone,” here on the blog.

‘The friends zone is for losers only”

-Are We There Yet, 2005

Well, maybe, maybe not…

One of the great things about WordPress, the software we at FWR use to run our site, is that you can see what (mostly Google) searches are bringing people to your site. Recent attractants include such queries as “nude opera” and “meet the teacher night ideas.” But also, every time I check, there is at least one search about male friends or the friends zone: “why do girls put guys in the friends zone;” “girls with male friends;” “guy talking about dating other women” - and my favorite, which, though not necessarily true, I will explain: ”why you shouldn’t date girls with lots of male friends”

So, I shall answer the first question, and lay it all out. Sorry, girls, if I’m letting too much go here. My site stats are far more important than keeping gender-related secrets.

So, let us phrase the question more specifically: Why does a girl treat a guy, who is actively courting her, as a friend, refusing to act romantically yet keeping him around as a “buddy?”

1) She doesn’t realize you are romantically interested

Sounds far-fetched, I know. But depending on her personality, amount of attention she is giving the situation, and your advances, she might just think you want to be friends. If you don’t “make a move” or make it clear that you like her in some way she will understand, she might get a little confused – she probably assumed you liked her at first – but figures you just want to be friends, and hey, if she likes you enough, why not?

2) She likes having male friends

I have met many girls who have told me that “they just like hanging out with guys more.” If you have somehow been a fly on the wall to see what girls can be like, you might understand. The cattiness, never-ending drama, competition over the menfolk, and general high levels of estradiol-related hormones get some girls seeking more mellow, “cool” guys, guys who are more likely to just hang out without things turning into a three ring circus involving their best friend, their new best friend, and that person they were dating two years ago. Whether or not she recongizes your attraction, she might place you in her large group of male buddies – who she may or may not be intersted in.

3) She’s not interested in a relationship right now

The truth is, sometimes people don’t want a relationship. They might be coming off of a bad breakup, and desire the emotional support, but don’t want to jump in the deep end again. They might be distracted by other things (some people aren’t focused 100% on getting dates) and, again, just not be paying a lot of attention. If school, home, work, etc. are taking up their emotional energy, girls might shy away from a relationship.

And here we go – it’s gonna hurt.

4) She’s just not that into you

That horrible, demoralizing movie last summer – “He’s Just Not That Into You” –  focused on guys not being into girls, but folks, it’s a two-way street. She just isn’t into you - but, being the blood-sucking emotional leach she is, she keeps you around. A friend once told me someone “didn’t like you – he liked that you liked him. So he’s like, ‘Hey, you like me, I like me too! this works.” The girl very shrewdly recognizes your attraction, and hence your willingness to do things for her – this could range anywhere from emotional support to giving her rides home from school. Or just cementing in her idea that she is awesome, and deserving of attention. Some girls turn this into a serial activity, keeping piles of “dangling men,” like Scarlett O’Hara, at their beck and call because, well, they can. It’s fun to hold the strings – “Dance, puppet, dance!” Alright, maybe not that maniacal, but you get the idea.

She knows she can get things out of you, and is going to exploit it. Human nature, out to screw our hearts over.

However, and here I will put a BIG however: this does not necessarily mean give up. Well, if you notice she has a dozen other guys dangling, you might pass her up. However, she might just not have gotten into you yet. A girl appreciates perseverance. We are the gender that has to put up with fox whistles and two-second arse-grabbing eyeings from the opposite sex, so when a guy puts more time into us than it takes to take in the region down beneath the collarbone, we are impressed. She might get over whatever turned her off (for all you know it could have been a bad first impression related to your footwear and choice of jokes with your buddies) and realize, hey, he’s not that bad of a guy. In Psychology we talked about how, evolutionarily, based on the time it takes for a woman to have/raise a baby, a woman is looking for a guy who sticks around. Tales of male persistence winning out – Jim and Pam, anyone? – abound. So, if you’re convinced she’s not Satan’s mistress, out to shred and lick clean the heart of every man in sight, stick around. You never know what you’ll get.