For further discussion on the topic of the “friends zone” see later posts “why girls put guys in the friend’s zone” and “the male friends issue clarified”
One of my daughters has asked me what to do if a guy she likes wants to talk to her about his relationships with other women.
I did a double take. “Has he ever done this before?”
“Yeah, sometimes.”
I was upset. I mean, what this guy tells her about is not her fault, but I was suprised that this guy and she were still talking after he mentioned his interest in other women. This is an ironclad rule: (sorry, @BillCammack dating genius, but I do have a rule or two) and if he is talking about other women, he is toast. Immediately and permanently. If he’s a player, he’s a player. He’s done, off the list, vamoose, whatever.
Guys who talk about other girls cannot be trusted.
How do I know this? It’s simple psychology. Guys think in one straight line, they are not multi-taskers. Guys who like you will be concentrating on you, not on other women they know. If he talks about other girls in your presence, you can be sure the doesn’t like you. As such, he is a threat to your status as The Desired Creature and must be removed from the sample set.
Am I making sense? Maybe not. The point is: you only want guys around you who like you. Guy who don’t like you you need to be thrown out of the tank. What then? Go meet some more people, and find someone who does like you. Or go it alone until you do. If you’re alone, at least there’s a chance you’ll meet someone. Hanging around with some guy who doesn’t like you, you never will.
As Ice Cube was told in the movie Are We There Yet, “The friend zone is for losers.” Sorry, but I call ‘em how I see ‘em, and on this one, that call is very clear.
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I do not believe I can agree with this. Does it not depend on what you want from the individual? And reversing the situation, many-a-time, the whole shenanigans and game playing that inevitably [can/is] involved in “dating” or whatever involved this sort of thing, from guys to girls and girls to guys. What does it say about character if a girl automatically attaches the “do not trust” label to a guy speaking of another girl? Not to mention the inherent problems with the stereotyping of guys “thinking only in a straight line” – and the psychology as you put it, is as you say, extremely “simple.” It is lacking nuance and context, either of which can significantly alter your final assessment. There are many absolutes written here that may very well apply to the situation at hand, but drawing general rules from this situation in a vague manner is troublesome. Just my (notsohumble) opinion.
James, sometimes good people have to agree to disagree. What I’m suggesting is than in general girls want guys to give them admiration and devotion, and guys who talk about other girls are not doing that. Hanging out with people, male or female, who do not see the relationship goals as you do is always perilous.
I guess you could have a guy friend — but in my experience it generally leads to trouble. Eventually it turns out that someone was interested, someone was not, and hard feelings result.
That said, you make a good argument.
This is very interesting. The Friend Zone from the female perspective, hahaha
Most of the time, it’s guys that have to worry about this, because it’s guys that are trying to get on. As a matter of fact, there are a lot of guys that FAKE being friends with a gal in order to try to get close to her and eventually be her boyfriend (or whatever).
In the context of a woman wanting to be The Desired Creature, hanging out with a guy that sees her as a friend is clearly not optimal. As far as the guy talking about women, it actually depends on WHAT he’s talking about.
If he’s talking about “Boo Hoo Hoo, I can’t get this gal! WAAAAHHH.. How do I get her to like me? Can you list some good qualities of mine?”, then YEAH, he needs to GO!
He’s clearly not interested in her.
OTOH, if he’s telling her how GREAT he is with women and how satisfied they are when they mess with him and all the delicious things he does with them, that could easily be a ploy to get her to think about doing the same things with him, in which case, it’s actually a GOOD THING for her rap that he’s talking about other women to her.
However, there’s a very low-percentage chance that that’s the case, so in general, I agree with you. If he’s talking to her about other women, he doesn’t consider her hawt enough or intelligent enough or interesting enough or athletic enough or whatever to qualify as HIS girl, so he feels free spilling all his beans to her, because what difference does it make?
PS – Before booting him, she should have him introduce her to all of his single male friends.
The best advice I ever got was from a friend of mine when I was in college. I had been dating a guy for three years and we were talking about marriage. My friend (my boss at the time) and I were at lunch with our intern who was about to head to college herself. My boss told her, “Wait for a man who adores you.”
It made me stop and think. Although my current boyfriend and I got along okay, he definitely did not adore me. Ironically, it was my best friend (@vedo) who fit this bill. Ten years later (this Friday) we are still happily married.
It’s not whether he’s your friend or your boyfriend, it’s whether he adores you, because if the answer is yes, in the end, you want to end up with your best friend.
Kristen, this is very well put. However, what if you find a guy who adores you, and you only kinda like him. What then?
Bill I knew you’d have something to say about this and I appreciate you at last agreeing with me! Even if Ice Cube eventually got out of the “friend zone,” I still don’t think it’s any place to be. In truth, for either guys or girls.
I could not disagree with this more, from either side of the table. When you are single you need to be looking and looking and looking around. If you only date people who are only dating you, than you are wasting a lot of time and opportunity. Inevitably if I am dating a girl who is ONLY interested in dating me then they are already thinking about marriage and their life together, and NOT is this really the person I want to be with.
Conversely, if a girl is dating several people, it is incumbent on me to make as much noise as possible to get her attention, to learn about her, to see if it is something I want or not, and as quickly as possible to ensure that she does not decide she is more interested with someone else.
Another interesting point here is that “dating” is a very simple situation. It CAN BE very innocent, honest, and enjoyable. At times I have known after one date that this person is or is not for me. Sometimes it may be 5, 6, or more dates before you really start knowing what you need to know about that person. “Dating” does not mean straight sex and promiscuity. The only requirement in my world for dating is just to be honest with whomever you are with.
Thanks for this thoughtful comment. To tell you the truth, this is not something I would say goes equally both ways for men and women. Girls actually can get extra attention by talking about other guys who are interested in them. For example, in the Trojan War story, Helen is pursued by all the kings in Greece — this doesn’t make her seem undesirable, quite the opposite.
Then again, my daughter saw your comment and asked, “maybe he just doesn’t want a serious relationship.”
Isn’t Helen reviled by the Greeks for close to a thousand years AFTER the Trojan War shenanigans? And if it doesn’t go two ways, isn’t that a double standard? It is not as if the guy WANTS to hear about OTHER guys anymore than the girl does!
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