Yesterday, my daughter graduated from college in South Carolina.  Although I did not attend for a number of reasons, I thought of her all day.  Her education was a project into which I put inordinant effort; she was home schooled for 12 years.

Why didn’t I go? Years ago, when she selected a college far away, I told her she could go there, but she would be on her own, and I wouldn’t be able to come out and help her whether I wanted to or not. Since she was home schooled, I worried. Would she be okay on her own? Nevertheless, I reasoned, she was an adult, and I believed, as I still do, that a young person’s own self-assessment is the critical determinent of what they should try to do.

But still, after watching her work through and struggle and ultimately succeed as a college student, I didn’t go to the graduation. Money is perpetually tight here. Besides that, this particular month, there are many responsibilities at home and I’m working five days a week.  Perhaps the kicker, however, is that her dad went with his wife, mother and sister and I don’t want to see him in this context again.

Her younger sister graduated last year from high school and their dad came to our town then too and made a great effort to assert how important he was an generally ruined the event for me and damaged it for his daughter. I was greatly bothered.  Although graduations are a happy event, there’s a lot of stress involved as the young person contemplates the future — even my older daughter told me this week she didn’t really want to leave college — and while walking the younger daughter through high school graduation emotions I had an ex-spouse hanging around demanding things and making it harder.  

So, for whatever reason, I decided not to fly out to South Carolina. I felt bad, and reminded myself that one of my good friends told me “it’s better to have guilt than resentment.” As it is, I thought of her all day, in her cap and gown, and comforted myself that she’s coming in for a visit tonight.

I am extremely proud of my daughter. She did it all by herself–a double major in art and biology. In the fall she’ll start graduate school.  I have put together a graduation gift involving some work she did in grade school and junior high, showing her artistic and scientific talents already developing.  And I’m looking forward to seeing her.  I trust she’ll understand I couldn’t make it to South Carolina yesterday, just as I understood, four years ago, that that’s where she wanted to go.