I’m off to my first day of teacher training this morning. I feel excited. We’re supposed to take a practice test of the elementary teacher exam. “Don’t worry about the results,” the letter from the teaching college said. “This test is just to help your instructors know what to work on most.”

Taking tests is one of my best subjects, though I haven’t covered this material, so I don’t know if I’ll do great on this one. I realize as I sit here this morning I feel afraid to be a “real” teacher. Of course I was also afraid to become a substitute, and afraid of a lot of other things that turned out okay, including being a mom, but fear has been one of the  biggest challenges in my life.

Fears: What if I finish the course and no one wants to hire me? What if  when I start teaching I can’t relate to my class? What if I inadvertently become embroiled in some kind of administrative problem? What if my students don’t do well on the TAKS test? What if I go crazy because I have to work 5 days a week? What if the after school care arrangement for my kids suddenly doesn’t work in the middle of the year, what then? What if I can’t get my kids to to their doctor appointments?

What if I do a good job and it turns out no one notices? Oh come on, I tell myself, don’t be ridiculous. If you do a good job, someone will notice.

It’s 6:50 a.m., and I’m going to put my best food forward, step out in faith. I read, I prayed, I filled out the forms, I’m making the best choice I know how. And what eles does even the finest person ever know how to do?