(This piece was left on our desk this morning with a note which said: “you wouldn’t dare print this.” However, we are short of copy, and decided to disprove the claim and go ahead:
BIGFOOT SIGHTED IN FORT WORTH
Several local residents claim they have seen Bigfoot walking around downtown this morning, first in front of St. Patrick’s Cathedral on Throckmorton, then proceeding down Throckmorton past the Bank One/Fort Worth Tower, and finally going through the parking lot into the Trinity Trails system.
Our reporter tracked him down as he was moving past Heritage park. Following is a quick interview we were able to get before Mr. Foot passed into the trees.
Reporter: Mr. Foot, what brings you to Fort Worth?
He: I had some Christmas shopping to do, and I heard your town was so dead it had a panther lying around City Hall, so I figured it would be safe.
Reporter: But Mr. Foot, that was about 100 years ago.
He: Dangit! I didn’t know that. I can’t count, you know. It does look a little built up.
Reporter: Is it true you are the missing link?
He: Ha. I’m more than that, I’m the grand-daddy of half the populaton of Medford, Oregon.
Reporter: Oregon? What were you doing there?
He: I moved there from California, that’s where I was whelped, but it was getting so crowded. You would not believe the wait for a restroom around Half Dome in Yosemite. I went a little further north as a young un, and that’s where my little ones were born, but man, people were just crowding in. So, like a lot of folks, I came to Texas – you know, there’s still plenty of room out here.
Reporter: So do you find Texas to your liking?
He: You know, I thought it would be safer than this. Here in town, it’s not bad, but out there in the countryside, there’s a lot of dudes with guns and they shoot at everything that moves. Even if it looks human. Especially if it looks human! So I’ve been hanging in the Trinity Trails. It’s got lots of possums and coons, they’re tasty. And there’s good recreation, jumping out from bushes in twilight when there’s no one around, scarin’ the bejesus out of people. But some day, I think I’m gonna go back.
Reporter: Are there others bigfoots, er, bigfeet around these parts?
He: Sure, I’ve got an uncle in Public Administration in the mid-cities and my nephew’s on a road crew in Granbury.
He turned to stalk off but the reporter stopped him -
Reporter: Wait! There’s just one more thing I’ve always wondered -
He: (hesitating) Well I’ve got to get down to the woods before too late to stalk the kids who come there to smoke, but, alright, if it’s quick…
Reporter: Well…maybe it’s silly…I’ve always wanted to know if the plural of your name is “Bigfoot” or “Bigfeet.”
He: Alright, alright. My uncle, the one in Public Administration, real clean-cut fellow if you know what I mean, he always makes a point of saying Bigfeet, something about proper Englush, he always was a litery fellow, sticking his head in books and ignorin’ stalkin’ and huntin’ and ladyfoots and other worthy pursuits, but my momma always said ‘Bigfoots’ real proud. And I jes always believed my mamma. I guess the, whatchamacallit, coloq’alism is Bigfoots.
Reporter: Thank you, thank you so much! About your family–
He: “Sorry, I gotta go, I got things to do, ‘n the ladyfoot’d get real uppity if I came back smellin’ all hooman like.”
He walked away into the trees, disappeared like a shadow as though never there. The reporter turned off her tape recorder. Sighed. Was it possible that Bigfoot’s experience of Fort Worth was valid? Was our town really so sleepy that a Bigfoot could go shopping, walking right down Throckmorton, and almost no one would notice? Would people care about his opinions? You be the judge.
Next Time: Chupacabra comes to Cowtown
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Do I have this picture right? A lil’ cowpuncher on Throckmorton with his mother stops dead in his tracks at the sight of a huge, hairy man-animal. He stammers, “M-m-m-ma, what is that?” And the Ft. Worth urbanite mom, cool as ice and tipping her Stetson to the monster, says, “That’s Mr. Bigfoot, old Texas family,” as they walk on by.
Thanks for your report on Bigfoot in Ft. Worth; it raises important questions. But not whether he is real — of course, he’s real. You interviewed him, didn’t you?
What is troubling is that he apparently “walked right down Throckmorton” and “almost no one noticed.” How can that be? I know Texans are big, but not that big. And the filthy, stringy hair, like a Rastafarian after a hurricane — where was his cowboy hat? Nobody noticed?! How about the famous putrefying stench of Bigfoot? Can Ft. Worth air really be that bad?
I have pondered this and come up with a plausible explanation: tired of being called “Cow City,” people in Ft. Worth are desperately trying to be “urban,” and that means unflappable: any outfit, any hairdo, any “perfume”… No one notices. But I’ll bet they hold their noses. Does Dallas have Bigfeet?
You asked if Dallas has Bigfeet. The obvious answer is No. Dallas has not been as concerned with keeping urban development smart, there are hardly any trees there, and he doesn’t like their politics. So no. No Bigfeet reported in Dallas.
BTW Bigfoot is one of the signatories on our petition to change the term “DFW” to “FWD.”