Lately, I have been doing the old “what am I doing wrong” in my search for an eligible bachelor. More specifically, what is up with all the guys who don’t quite work out? I think I have the answer.

They were cat people.

Now, before you laugh and tell me I’m just desperately looking for something upon which to pin my disappointments in love, wait. I really think I’m on to something.

Whether a guy is a cat person or a dog person is significant. A dog person is more dynamic, likes activity, and doesn’t mind getting dirty. A cat person, on the other hand, is looking for quiet, peace, and serenity, things which I cannot offer to anyone.  My life is chaotic, and I come from a family with a chaotic style. There’s no way a cat’s going to make it in my house, especially since the dog breed I like best, the Basenji, makes a point of eating them.  

So: what actually happened with all my “bad relationships?” They were cat people. Guy who was chasing me from the seventh grade on, but then disappeared? Cat person. Boyfriend in eighth grade, who lasted 8 weeks? Cat person. High school sweetheart, who has now parted ways with me and is across the country? Cat person. Every guy in my high school group? Cat people.

Even guys I meet I don’t actually want to date, they’re cat people too! That one who met me in eighth grade, and called up every sixth months, and, even though he had a girlfriend, kept asking me questions like “so, if she and I broke up” or “so, why have I never kissed you?” and, my favorite, “I’ve got a project and need a model to photograph” and this has gone on for five years! He’s a freakin’ Cat person. It’s an epidemic! Other male cat people in my life include my father and my mentor in high school.

 I’ve begun to wonder: do guys who like dogs even exist? Where does one go about finding them? These cat people think reading books and lying around are proper Saturday activities.  I’m telling you, there’s a link. 

I admit that guys who read books and lie around petting the cat are cute.  At first. But the past is the best predictor of the fucture, and eventually, there’s going to be problems with a guy who likes cats. At least for me.

Am I doomed to keep attracting men who love cats? Maybe not.  I recently asked the guy whom I somewhat have my eye on which animal type he preferred. He responded “It depends, but I like calm pets.” Hmmm… at least he doesn’t have a feline in residence. There may be hope. Honestly, please, no more cat people. If a cat can’t make it in my house, how can a cat person?

Deuces.